Depression and Anxiety Take Over

So before I was a mom(at the age of 21) I was a very independent, successful, happy (most of the time) woman. I was a cheerleader in school, and graduated with honors. I had life all planned out and no room for curve balls. Isn’t it funny how we plan our whole lives without room for mistakes yet fill our suitcases for a little trip full of clothes from every season “just in case” the weather changes?! Well, my life’s “weather” changed and by change I mean a hurricane came to the mountains, flattened it to ocean level and left a blizzard….overnight! Needless to say, my “suitcase” wasn’t packed for that! It was actually a slow decline but I didn’t realize it because I had no idea what was coming! My wonderful husband and I got married in 2008 and 6 short months later found out we was going to have a baby! To top that, it was a girl! My dreams and my “plans” were on track! Then, I was put on bed rest at 36 weeks pregnant because of preterm labor and I didn’t appreciate that. I had already been laid off at my job due to company closing just a couple months prior so I had to go from working, to piddling trying to stay busy, to full blown bed rest! After 3 weeks I was induced and delivered our baby girl, Taylar Paiton. She was perfect! Literally! The doctor said she was “textbook” perfect! All was perfect except when I stood up for the first time, urine pooled at my feet! Yes, that’s right, I said it, I was 21 years old, married a little over one year, fresh out of bed rest, first time new mommy, with a prolapsed bladder!!!! However, I did not mention this to my doctor because I thought it was normal! There was a lot of “young and dumb” moments prior but this one topped it! I went home and unsuccessfully dealt with this until my first appointment a week later and my doctor was so deeply saddened and sincerely concerned knowing how hard it had been for me. I had worn teenage goodnight diapers for a week while wondering WHY NO ONE TOLD ME about that part. Now I realize it’s because that part wasn’t normal. Along with that, I cried…all.the.time! I cried because my newborn was beautiful, because she would eventually go to kindergarten, because I wanted her to sleep but didn’t want her to sleep, because she wouldn’t wear her tiny clothes for long and one day I’d have to shop in bigger sizes, and well…I cried for anything that crossed my mind good or bad. My doctor was again concerned but also aware of “baby blues” however, at my second week appointment we realized it was more than that. I was referred to a behavioral health clinic in our very small town and there I was basically a Guinea pig because all they treated was addiction and abuse so I didn’t really fit into any of their “programs.” We bounced around to a couple of these before my doctor done some research and found a women’s life cycle and post-partum specialist a couple hours from us. At this point, I was 9 months in, reoccurring fleeting thoughts of suicide and one incident where I ran my bath with scalding hot water in efforts to kill the pain. Please don’t let yourself get to that point! Reach out cause there is help! When I seen the specialist for the first time, it became very clear, I had major depressive disorder and needed help! She assured me of what I already knew but My condition had zero to do with Taylar! She was beautiful and perfect in every way. As lovely as I had dreamed her to be. But in my mind, there was a chemical imbalance that took place during the hormonal roller coaster I had got on a year prior! No one can say for sure whether it would’ve happened without the pregnancy right then or if it had been years later but having a mental illness was inevitable it just happened to introduce itself THEN! The doctor rearranged my medicines and within the week I could catch a thought and was finally able to smile again! She referred me to a urologist within the same network and 3 months later I had a mesh sling implanted for my bladder and it instantly solved that problem. I was feeling human again! Those 9 months were a living nightmare! Jesus, my newborn, my mom, step-dad and husband were the only reason I pulled through it and am where I am today, which I’ll write about in following blogs! I hope everyone that ever reads this has that support but if you don’t still reach out because there are people just like me that sincerely CARE and will go to extreme measures to help you!

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline—1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255)—or Live Online Chat

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Postpartum Support International (PSI)  

PSI works to increase awareness among public and professional communities about the emotional changes that women experience during pregnancy and postpartum.

• Call 1-800-944-4PPD (4773) to leave a message, and a volunteer will call you back as soon as possible to provide support and resources in your area.